Overcoming Pain

Moving away from my mother, didn't necessarily change things.

I'm making this a three part series. Part one, will discuss the hardships, pain and abuse that I endured. Part two will be about how that affected me, what I went on to do, and how I started looking for help. Part three will discuss what and who helped me. The choices that I made, and how I found myself.

I think this is important to share. If I can help one person see, that there is hope, perhaps I can make a change. It's a small ripple, in a sea of problems. 

If you are feeling suicidal or in need of someone to talk to, please call 

1-800-273-8255, The national suicide prevention hotline. It's nothing to be ashamed of, they're there to help. 

I had a friend, who was suicidal. 

I ended up calling the police station near them, and that friend was able to get help. They live a healthy and happy life today.

*Names are changed for privacy

I wasn't very far away from her, but once I moved, she only ever visited once. 

I was living in a nice one bedroom with my boyfriend at the time. 

He was a year younger than me, so still in school. 

The lease was in my name, I was working full time to pay for food and rent, it was really hard. 

He worked part time, and contributed a little. 

I also got a cat!

But I cut off contact with a lot of friends.

Looking back now, I realize it was because of my depression.

I would just look at their names on my phone, and want to message them so badly. 

But I felt exhausted at the idea of communication with anyone else. 

I just focused on work, and keeping the place clean.

After almost a year of being together, one day during an argument, he grabbed me by the throat. 

I should have left, and I almost did. 

But he apologized, and like so many other women, I believed it. 

After talking with him about it, I found out that he was schizophrenic and wasn't on meds, because he hadn't told anyone. It was really strange, basically being in a relationship with two people. 

The nice personality, was Daniel, the mean one was Jason.

When Jason came out, he would flex his fingers and stretch out, Jason looked like he was test driving a new car. 

Daniel told me that most of the time, he would keep Jason in a box. The box was small, and there where spikes, or pins everywhere. So that Jason couldn't move at all. 

When Jason took over, he would put Daniel in the box. The box terrified him, because he couldn't get out unless Jason wanted him to. 

I should have told someone, but I didn't. He was actually an actor, so I knew that he would just deny it.

We had decided to move a few cities away,

After he had proposed to me.

However, a week before our move date, he cheated on me. 

It wasn't even subtle because he decided to shove it in my face. 

With a phone call from the woman herself.

I was pretty devistated, but at the same time, I wasn't going to get another chance to move away from the small town.

I had already quit my job, and everything was packed.  When he got back, we broke up, but I decided to still move with him.

The move, was absolutely awful, I should have expected that!

Once we got to the house, it all started..

He was yelling and tossing my boxes off of the truck. If I weren't so determined to live in the city, I would have just gone back home.

He had a friend who found us the place, it was a tiny 700 sq ft basement suit, shared between us and Bob.

It only had two bedrooms, he let me have one because I had so much stuff.

It was a hard month, the city was so big!!

I had just moved out of a town, were you could walk everywhere! 

All of the sudden, I had to take trains, busses, and transfer busses..

I was living with my ex fiance, and it really wasn't good for me. We were on and off, I was naive and believed that we could fix things.

It was a hard transition, and I was doing it alone. Bob had a job set up for Daniel, as soon as we moved in. So the plan to go job hunting together, went out the window.

I must have handed out hundreds of resumes, and answered endless Craigslist job offers. 

After a month of looking, every damn day, I finally got one call back. 

It was for a maid service, I went to the interview, and was hired that week. 

But things at the house, weren't good.

Daniels dad was trying to hook him up with other women. 

Tensions were high, and tempers were elevated. 

I was hurt and feeling betrayed.

I just couldn't understand how someone could be engaged, and get over the other person so fast. 

Our fights were starting to get physical, and I knew I needed out.

I was backhanded and slammed around a lot. 

I had seen it too many times, happening to my mother. I had always told myself that I would never follow that same path!

Well, after a really bad fight, that resulted in the police making him sleep at his dad's for the night, and my phone being smashed.. I came out to a co-worker about it. 

Amazingly, she was so supportive, and she was actually moving at the end of the month!

She put in a good word with her landlords, and I ended up moving in when she left!

I did the big move, while Daniel was at work. I never said bye, and I've never regretted that. I cut off all contact, even though it was hard. At first, I would stalk his Facebook. But I reminded myself of all the bad, it was enough to make me forget him and move on. 

During this time, was when Barry passed away. He was the only good male role model, that I ever had. 

He was my best friend, but it took him dying, for me to realize that he was basically a father as well. 

He taught me a lot of stuff, but the hardest lesson, was accepting death. 

I never went to his funeral, because his family lives far, and we had no contact with them.

I think not saying bye was the toughest part.

After that, I decided that I wanted to be in a relationship again. 

But I never went out, so I never met anyone. 

I decided to try an online dating site. Yea, that was... Interesting. 

But I met my spouse there.

We talked for a year, online, without meeting. 

It wasn't even dirty stuff, we would send paragraphs to each other. Just talking about our daily lives, and our likes/dislikes. My mom had always talked about how unsafe social media and the internet is. 

Which is true, but it shouldn't mean that you avoid it. You just have to be aware and cautious! 

Well.. Because of that, I cancelled plans to meet Jesse, 3 times. Finally I met with him and it was amazing. We talked all day, and truly connected. 

Around this time, I quit the maid job. I was doing great at it, but I had injured my knee.

After a few weeks of healing, I actually had people interested in me cleaning for them. So I worked a job for a family member, and then a friend.. Just from word of mouth, I ended up gaining 10 clients. Which was pulling in over $1000 a month. It wasn't great, but it was enough. 

I enjoyed being self employed!

I ended up having to move, my landlords brother needed a place to  stay. Jesse helped me with the whole thing. He even bought me a temporary storage locker as a birthday gift!

Because of the short notice, I had to rent out just a single bedroom in a house. 

It was awful, I'm pretty sure now, that it was illegal. 

The landlord and her family lived upstairs, downstairs was myself, and at least 5 other guys. 

It was absolutely filthy, so much so that I refused to use the kitchen. I made myself noodle cups and ate junk food in my bedroom. 

My cat, her litter box and scratching post, took up most of the space. 

After a month in there, Jesse let me move in with him. 

 Shortly after that, I realized that I needed help. 

The wounds of my past we're catching up to me, and it wasn't pretty. We argued a lot, just arguing though, nothing more. 

A lot of it stemmed from my depression and anxiety.

It had been years since I wanted help, but last time, my mother told me to just deal with it. This time, I didn't have to answer to anyone. I could get any kind of help I need. 

Jesse was supportive during the entire ordeal.

I knew that pills were a last resort for me. I'm aware that chemicals can mess up your brain, and you need to balance it out sometimes, with medication. But I knew that I have things that can be worked through, by confronting them. 

I had no idea where to start. 

Social worker, therapist, psychiatrist?? 

Plus there are ones that specialize in certain areas..

I found a hospice, they offered free grief counselling. I tried it, and stuck with it until my counsellor retired. We were able to work through a lot of things.

I finally had the knowledge I needed, to help accept Barry's passing. 

But I knew that wasn't the end, just the start. I looked into help for my depression, and decided to see a psychiatrist. 

That experience was awful.

The visits were only 15 mins, and he was almost always 30-40 minutes behind. He didn't seem to listen to me, and just wanted me on medication. I forget the name, but I would have to take them for the rest of my life, and constantly up the dosage. 

After four visits, I stopped seeing him.

Jesse's mom told me about how acupuncture had helped her a lot. Physically and emotionally.

But I hate needles, so I kept declining to go with her. 

Finally she bought me a session, and I tried it out! The woman was actually able to do laser acupuncture, so no needles! 

She just emitted a positive And peaceful energy. She was respectful, funny, and she listened. I walked in skeptical, and walked out amazed. After that, I decided to go once a month. 

I still needed to work on my depression though, and heal from my past.

It took several consultations from several therapists, before I found the right one. 

We connected, but better yet, she was trained to help people work through things. She was a social worker, one of the people my mother taught me to avoid.

Sometimes you can find help in the strangest places. .

Another huge help was my clients. I made friends with each of them. Sometimes we would just sit, have tea, and chat. I met some amazing friends, during my cleaning. 

All of these things just came together! It didn't happen fast, and it took a lot of willpower. Also patience on Jesse's end.. Being open though, and talking about my past, really helped me have closure! There isn't really a certain path to take, it's what works for you.

Self improvement, is an ongoing struggle. Life is always going to throw you curve balls, you just take one step at a time. Finding help isn't easy. It took me over a year, I almost gave up, so many times. But if you want something enough, you'll work towards it. 

On my next post I'll talk about life now. How my mother is doing, finding my passion and finding myself!

I'm in no means perfect, I still have hard days. Life isn't easy, I think we all agree. 

But I made it.

I looked at my past and said, this isn't okay. I didn't let myself be a victim for the rest of my life. Anyone can do the same, you're stronger than you think.

~ Katie ~